JANUARY 1ST 2016

CAPRICORN -

Dangle those bangles and shmear on that rouge. 2016 is one bloated afterparty. Stay sharp and remember the Advil.

AQUARIUS -

Go for it! What exactly IT is remains, as usual, a mystery.

PISCES -

Prepare for catastrophe, that way you'll be more than prepared when you misplace your car keys. Stuff does happen but you can expect the cosmic pendulum to swing your way again soon.

ARIES -

The grass is seldom as green as we expect it to be. Never covet your neighbor's lawn. Be content with your meager lot and enjoy the trifling trophies that life doles out like broth at a soup kitchen.

TAURUS -

Never take 'perhaps' for an answer. Too literary. Never trust a dwarf wearing bracelets. Stay away from cities that don't have their own symphony orchestra and start respecting the rich.

GEMINI -

You're long overdue for a spanking. You've lied. You've cheated. You've felt lust in your heart. You have all the qualities needed for a terrific thrashing. Enjoy!!

CANCER -

Belligerence will trump tolerance any day, any time. Try it ... you're way too nice and people are stepping all over you.

LEO -

The meek shall inherit the refinements of poetry. Do you know anyone who actually reads poetry? Think about it ... but not too deeply.

VIRGO -

It's time to celebrate your inevitable decline. Decay is the new bromide. Don't be afraid to start smoking. You might find it relaxing.

LIBRA -

May the New Year bring you amnesty from all your karmic debts. A clean slate will allow you new slights and social misdemeanors. Free yourself at last! As far as niceness, you're about average.

SCORPIO -

Capitalize on you strengths. Scorpios are typically frugal, guarded and cunning. Check both mirrors before you make any dramatic changes. Timing is everything and if you're not careful someone is liable to clean your clock.

SAGITARIUS -

Rejoice ... the year of the unrequited effort is over. New rewards may not be so forthcoming. Learn from your mistakes and exert less energy to your endeavors.

DECEMBER 31ST 2015

SAGITARIUS -

Pull up your skivvies and pull down your hat. If you thought 2015 was a dinger, just wait. Watch your wallet and keep a keen eye on your spouse. As Delmore Schwartz put it' "even paranoids have enemies."

CAPRICORN -

Now, now, now ... it's not that bad at all. So what if you're cold and so what if you're lonely. At least you don't have to share. Abundance awaits you and remember, greed is good.

AQUARIUS -

The Age of Aquarius dawned and it was a downer. You have the power to redefine what it means to be hip. (Hint: It has nothing to do with beards and fedoras)

PISCES -

The sushi of signs is ascending but remember, what goes up must come down. Proceed with caution in matters of the heart but put the peddle to the metal when it comes to spending cash. As the Buddhists say, you only live a few hundred times.

ARIES -

Be satisfied with what you have. Getting and spending is for fools with low self-esteem. Remember, you are an Aries and Aries is the greatest of signs, (with the exception of Gemini and Leo).

TAURUS -

If you've got happy feet, now's the time to quit your job and take a trip. You might find love, you will find sex and you'll surely pick up a few memorable tchotchkes along the way. Just beware of pickpockets.

GEMINI -

You know and I know and anyone that knows you knows as well: You don't exercise enough and your diet resembles that of a teenage boy. You could stand to lose a few pounds and you can do it with kale and just a little bit of discipline.

CANCER -

If it's money you're after it's time to get that extra degree. Face it, nowadays even a plumber needs a B.A. You can barely play canasta with just a masters. 40 is the new 30 and a Phd is the new high school equivalency exam.

LEO -

Everyone has a 'tell' and yours is your car. It's time to trade up and while you're at it, stop reading all those newspapers. Nobody likes a smartypants.

VIRGO -

You sparkle and you radiate warmth and good cheer every time you open your mouth. Plant yourself near the hors d'oeuvres, have a nosh and enjoy being this evening's premier swizzle stick. Happy New Year!

LIBRA -

It's time to start reading again and I don't mean The Huffington Post. Start manufacturing dissent. If you think something's trending then your brain is probably descending.

SCORPIO -

Your neighbor is right, you are too loud, especially when in flagrante delicto. Take it down a notch, you already passed the audition.

DECEMBER 30TH 2015

SAGITARIUS -

While you dance, the rest of the world is hovering around the punchbowl trading stock tips. It's time to get a real job and act your age. Your 'soul' has already been sold to Google.

CAPRICORN -

You've been wading in the River Styx for far too long. Grab an oar and give Charon a hip-check. You've got lots to do. Ask a Pieces for help - they know a thing or two about the waters.

AQUARIUS -

Your taste in music grates against the grain. Compromise is just another nice word for dumbing down. Shed your Schoenberg and trade your tone row for the top ten. Folks might start liking you.

PISCES -

Cut the crap and call your nearest Capricorn. You'll be spooning with their moons while your stars start sparkling like coins. It will be a relief to finally experience happiness.

ARIES -

You value your values way too much. Try selective ethics ( referred to by philosophy professors as selethics). The burden of justification will fall naturally on results. There's really nothing wrong with cold blood.

TAURUS -

Enough already!! Stop kvetching! Nobody cares, not even your mother. We're alone in the universe and when we die they'll put you in a box and while the ants gnaw on your eyes your friends will all go out for a beer.

GEMINI -

Think positively! Then think negatively. Then stop thinking. You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to figure out which will work best.

CANCER -

Back when you were the captain of your high school debating team your dim distant future looked assured. Now you're in the thick of things and you don't have a clue. Don't worry, everyone is afraid, just don't let yourself look like a clod.

LEO -

You're in for a windfall. Someone you love is soon to have a stroke. Capital gains should train your sights on careful, conservative investments.

VIRGO -

Why is this day different from all other days? Because today you can do no wrong. You merely have to show up, flash a phony smile and the world will be your truffle.

LIBRA -

Check your junk mail. After you sift through the Publishing Clearinghouse and the AARP membership pitch you may find an unlikely jewel that could change you life.

SCORPIO -

Start looking for love in all those wrong places. That's where the fun is.

DECEMBER 29TH 2015

SAGITARIUS -

Clear your conscience for today your slate is clean. Past infractions, if not forgiven are largely forgotten. Try to be decent but if you can't try instead to be more discreet.

CAPRICORN -

Share yourself freely with strangers. Serendipity collides this week with strategy but watch your manners and watch your back. Don't be afraid of the word 'no.'

AQUARIUS -

Compost you decaying relationships and prepare yourself for the new year. Fresh friends will enliven your life and replenish your optimism. Fetid family members must be summarily ignored.

PISCES -

If it's love you're looking for ... kid, tonight's not your night. Concentrate on sorting your sock drawer or polishing your Linkedin profile. Remain professional and defer romance for much, much later.

ARIES -

Show some courage and pump up your chest. You've deflated your worth for far too long. You're a winner and a fighter. Take some initiative. You'll be surprised how easily you will get good results.

TAURUS -

Never underestimate the value of impeccable personal hygiene. Grooming and preening are the twin pillars of worldly success. Spoil yourself on a sauna and massage. A facial will have people fawning.

GEMINI -

Your stars sparkle with potential but potential is not nearly enough. A person of action lies lurking beneath your normally taciturn skin. Speak up! you will be heard!

CANCER -

If France is too far try the nearest forest. Change of scene will change your life. Start with a walk to the mall. You definitely need to get out more.

LEO -

Whatever you do don't buy any lottery tickets or go to the track. Your luck is on low. Try the road most frequently travelled ... at least for now. There's a time for caution and that time is now.

VIRGO -

Wear something a little 'casual' tonight. It never hurts to engrave your invitation with something a bit more provocative. Be proud of your bod and enjoy the fruits of your luscious fleshy self.

LIBRA -

Invest in art. You may not know what you like but there's always someone around to tell you what might be valuable. Listen skeptically to the advice of specialists but don't be afraid to act.

SCORPIO -

It's time to get off your flaccid derrière and get yourself off to that spin class. You're not the only one who hates to exercise so face the ugly music and feel that nasty burn.

DECEMBER 28TH 2015

SAGITARIUS -

With ascending spirits come descending moons. The holidays portend opportunity lathered with peril. It may be worth the risk. Then again  ....  it may not.

CAPRICORN -

A propitious time for reckless, feckless romance. Disregard the well-intentioned advice of friends and follow the folly of your loins. You can pick up the splintered shards much later.

AQUARIUS -

Thinking about money will distract you from the life of the mind. The mind can wait. The algorithms are leaning your way. Invest, purchase, expand and wager - especially with property and stocks.

PISCES -

Planning a vacation will only yield unmet expectations. This is your time to be spontaneous. Improvise and gamble. Hop on a plane or jump on a bus. It may pivot your life dramatically.

ARIES -

You are winning all your arguments. Press your case with conviction. You may be wrong but no one will notice.

TAURUS -

Avoid all proposals. The new year will only be a tired replay of the old year unless you bide your time. Put your will in neutral and things will take care of themselves.

GEMINI -

Dedicate yourself to change and makeover. Your fickle friends will leave you in the lurch. Act first and delay the pain. You might consider plastic surgery .

CANCER -

Now is the time to seriously think about atheism. God has been indifferent to you till now. It's your turn to return the favor.

LEO -

The dissonant music of the spheres have abandoned their angels. Bad news for those who lean toward the metaphysical. You are much too earthbound to heed their silly influence.

VIRGO -

Healthy choices will stand in your way of both romance and good times. Gemini give hedonism a bad name. Stick with Leos. Like New Yorkers they know how to party.

LIBRA -

All travel should be avoided with the notable exception of time-travel. Outer body experiences will quiet your real-world woes. Gravity and physics are also overrated.

SCORPIO -

Physical attraction is a rathole of misadventure. Look deeply into your beloved's eyes. If they're milky and bloodshot consider proposing marriage.