JANUARY 1ST 2016

CAPRICORN -

Dangle those bangles and shmear on that rouge. 2016 is one bloated afterparty. Stay sharp and remember the Advil.

AQUARIUS -

Go for it! What exactly IT is remains, as usual, a mystery.

PISCES -

Prepare for catastrophe, that way you'll be more than prepared when you misplace your car keys. Stuff does happen but you can expect the cosmic pendulum to swing your way again soon.

ARIES -

The grass is seldom as green as we expect it to be. Never covet your neighbor's lawn. Be content with your meager lot and enjoy the trifling trophies that life doles out like broth at a soup kitchen.

TAURUS -

Never take 'perhaps' for an answer. Too literary. Never trust a dwarf wearing bracelets. Stay away from cities that don't have their own symphony orchestra and start respecting the rich.

GEMINI -

You're long overdue for a spanking. You've lied. You've cheated. You've felt lust in your heart. You have all the qualities needed for a terrific thrashing. Enjoy!!

CANCER -

Belligerence will trump tolerance any day, any time. Try it ... you're way too nice and people are stepping all over you.

LEO -

The meek shall inherit the refinements of poetry. Do you know anyone who actually reads poetry? Think about it ... but not too deeply.

VIRGO -

It's time to celebrate your inevitable decline. Decay is the new bromide. Don't be afraid to start smoking. You might find it relaxing.

LIBRA -

May the New Year bring you amnesty from all your karmic debts. A clean slate will allow you new slights and social misdemeanors. Free yourself at last! As far as niceness, you're about average.

SCORPIO -

Capitalize on you strengths. Scorpios are typically frugal, guarded and cunning. Check both mirrors before you make any dramatic changes. Timing is everything and if you're not careful someone is liable to clean your clock.

SAGITARIUS -

Rejoice ... the year of the unrequited effort is over. New rewards may not be so forthcoming. Learn from your mistakes and exert less energy to your endeavors.