DECEMBER 30TH 2015

SAGITARIUS -

While you dance, the rest of the world is hovering around the punchbowl trading stock tips. It's time to get a real job and act your age. Your 'soul' has already been sold to Google.

CAPRICORN -

You've been wading in the River Styx for far too long. Grab an oar and give Charon a hip-check. You've got lots to do. Ask a Pieces for help - they know a thing or two about the waters.

AQUARIUS -

Your taste in music grates against the grain. Compromise is just another nice word for dumbing down. Shed your Schoenberg and trade your tone row for the top ten. Folks might start liking you.

PISCES -

Cut the crap and call your nearest Capricorn. You'll be spooning with their moons while your stars start sparkling like coins. It will be a relief to finally experience happiness.

ARIES -

You value your values way too much. Try selective ethics ( referred to by philosophy professors as selethics). The burden of justification will fall naturally on results. There's really nothing wrong with cold blood.

TAURUS -

Enough already!! Stop kvetching! Nobody cares, not even your mother. We're alone in the universe and when we die they'll put you in a box and while the ants gnaw on your eyes your friends will all go out for a beer.

GEMINI -

Think positively! Then think negatively. Then stop thinking. You don't have to be the Dalai Lama to figure out which will work best.

CANCER -

Back when you were the captain of your high school debating team your dim distant future looked assured. Now you're in the thick of things and you don't have a clue. Don't worry, everyone is afraid, just don't let yourself look like a clod.

LEO -

You're in for a windfall. Someone you love is soon to have a stroke. Capital gains should train your sights on careful, conservative investments.

VIRGO -

Why is this day different from all other days? Because today you can do no wrong. You merely have to show up, flash a phony smile and the world will be your truffle.

LIBRA -

Check your junk mail. After you sift through the Publishing Clearinghouse and the AARP membership pitch you may find an unlikely jewel that could change you life.

SCORPIO -

Start looking for love in all those wrong places. That's where the fun is.