DECEMBER 31ST 2015

SAGITARIUS -

Pull up your skivvies and pull down your hat. If you thought 2015 was a dinger, just wait. Watch your wallet and keep a keen eye on your spouse. As Delmore Schwartz put it' "even paranoids have enemies."

CAPRICORN -

Now, now, now ... it's not that bad at all. So what if you're cold and so what if you're lonely. At least you don't have to share. Abundance awaits you and remember, greed is good.

AQUARIUS -

The Age of Aquarius dawned and it was a downer. You have the power to redefine what it means to be hip. (Hint: It has nothing to do with beards and fedoras)

PISCES -

The sushi of signs is ascending but remember, what goes up must come down. Proceed with caution in matters of the heart but put the peddle to the metal when it comes to spending cash. As the Buddhists say, you only live a few hundred times.

ARIES -

Be satisfied with what you have. Getting and spending is for fools with low self-esteem. Remember, you are an Aries and Aries is the greatest of signs, (with the exception of Gemini and Leo).

TAURUS -

If you've got happy feet, now's the time to quit your job and take a trip. You might find love, you will find sex and you'll surely pick up a few memorable tchotchkes along the way. Just beware of pickpockets.

GEMINI -

You know and I know and anyone that knows you knows as well: You don't exercise enough and your diet resembles that of a teenage boy. You could stand to lose a few pounds and you can do it with kale and just a little bit of discipline.

CANCER -

If it's money you're after it's time to get that extra degree. Face it, nowadays even a plumber needs a B.A. You can barely play canasta with just a masters. 40 is the new 30 and a Phd is the new high school equivalency exam.

LEO -

Everyone has a 'tell' and yours is your car. It's time to trade up and while you're at it, stop reading all those newspapers. Nobody likes a smartypants.

VIRGO -

You sparkle and you radiate warmth and good cheer every time you open your mouth. Plant yourself near the hors d'oeuvres, have a nosh and enjoy being this evening's premier swizzle stick. Happy New Year!

LIBRA -

It's time to start reading again and I don't mean The Huffington Post. Start manufacturing dissent. If you think something's trending then your brain is probably descending.

SCORPIO -

Your neighbor is right, you are too loud, especially when in flagrante delicto. Take it down a notch, you already passed the audition.