JANUARY 2ND 2016

CAPRICORN -

Till now life's been a ratty mattress stained with embarrassing history. It's time to turn your back on the past and assume a new gender. ... Okay ... maybe that's a bit extreme. Have you considered adopting a pet?

AQUARIUS -

Being deliberate has caused you much anguish. Spontaneity has yielded only the meager rewards of happiness and gratitude. Expectancy and entitlement and intemperate impatience are the true conditions for success. Try it ... you'll like it.

PISCES -

Never underestimate the creative potential of sluggish hangovers and indigestion. Triumph comes of adversity and till now your biggest problem has been your in-laws.

ARIES -

Righteous sermons and listicles have stiffened your resolve toward self-improvement. The Internet is one big biblical parable. You will find all the wisdom you need at the University of YouTube.

TAURUS -

Shamanism has been sorely overlooked. Exotic plants with poisonous roots, burning sacred plants in abalone shells and talking in analphabetic tongues make terrific dinner party diversions.

GEMINI -

Look for false signs in spayed cats and infants. Such purity of intent is the three-card-monte of enlightenment. For greater insight see the obituaries.

CANCER -

You've stayed away from good food for far too long. Stop mistaking you car for your kitchen. While we're on the subject, an audiobook is not a book.

LEO -

Career change!! The devil has departed the details and has taken firm residence in the facts. The icecaps have turned into Slushies and the buzzsaw has overtaken the quill. The only thing left for a Leo is prophecy as a profession.

VIRGO -

Vagabondage is the new domesticity. Time to hit the road. On the other hand, bondage is the new tenderness. Time to get a new partner.

LIBRA -

An unhealthy keenness for extreme cleanliness will only distance you from your peers. Spend more time at the shvitz baths. Let yourself be whipped by a stranger with a damp and slightly worn eucalyptus branch. Germaphobia is for wimps and middle aged Germans.

SCORPIO -

You say you want to fall in love? Stop being so hopelessly naïve. Love is a contract. It's sort of like a lease. The best you can hope for is a pleasant partner with rent control.

SAGITARIUS -

Just because your birthday falls near Christmas there's no reason to feel cheated. The best sales are after New Years. Go ahead and buy yourself something nice.