JANUARY 19TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Telepathically, you tend not only to understand your enemies but are able to anticipate their stratagems and subterfuges. This has made your professional life into a mental form of mixed martial art cage boxing roller derby. This hasn't really affected your income one way or another but is has begun to ruin your health. See what happens if you replace passive aggression with active belligerence. I think it will give you greater peace of mind.

AQUARIUS -

Your life thus far has remained unexamined both by you, your detractors, your family and your friends. You are something of a non-entity, a Meursault of sorts, a person how enters a room and remains invisible. You're neither shy nor sociable and your footprint is as light as a kitten approaching a pigeon. Use your insignificance to your advantage by means of stealth and calculation. You have been blessed by your facelessness.

PISCES -

The world around you bares its ugly teeth. With its pointed bayonets and cuspidated pikes honed and happy to do you harm, you regularly rise, flaunting your proud hephaestusian shield and taunt your tormentors with a sovereign hauteur. How long do you think you can keep this up? Sooner or later the bastards will best you because they alone have no shame. Silence and cunning may prove in the end to be your most effective allies.

ARIES -

If you're happy (and Arieses are generally happy) then by consequence, you should be impervious to the passage of time. To extend that logic a bit further, if you're unhappy (and Arieses are typically unhappy) then you dread the aging process and prefer that time stand still. Paradoxically, by doing this you will be prolonging your anguish. Either case is a loser's proposition because with age comes decay and with decay comes the inability to pee and if you can't pee, what good is it to be happy.

TAURUS -

The responsible thing to do would be to pocket your pride and apologize. That would be both sensible and expedient. But, of course, you're neither, so you sulk and you lament and wonder why it is that you constantly seem to be losing friends. Is it so terribly important to be right? Is it really necessary to have friends?

GEMINI -

While Whitman spoke of containing multitudes, Schoffman sings of the painful historical imperative toward complete and unambiguous invention. The weight of history is way too much to bear for those born in winter. But for those conceived in winter, it's an entirely different story. The burden is upon you to grab the seat of your pants as if it were the soundtrack of your life.

CANCER -

Horoscopes written with oracular prose tend toward the affirmative and are therefore completely unreliable. As a skeptical Cancer you have every reason to question Yayota's intuition yet to do so will incur risk. This puts you in something of a pickle in that Cancer's are generally risk averse. Fortunately, living with contradiction is one of your sign's signature strengths.

LEO -

While you spend much of your time thinking about sex, you give equal attention to your fear of death. That the two Great Themes of great art are your two major preoccupations should not in any way allow you to assume that you are an aesthete. You may just as easily be a neurotic.

VIRGO -

There's a gravity you assume that is wholly out of character. You assume the public will treat you with greater respect if you pretend to be humorless. Somehow you think this appears adult but the contrary is true. Only those confident to play the fool can truly be considered consequential.

LIBRA -

Like a political prisoner compromised by torture to make false confessions your relationships are filled with coercive and expedient lies that are both painful and transparent. But be careful because honesty can also prove lethal to romance so a conservative middle ground is your best course of action. Love columnist Sophia Lagrimar's famous 66% rule states that if you're frank two thirds of the time you're probably going to make it. She may even be a bit generous.

SCORPIO -

Your career is about to pivot in the most unexpected way. Your obsessions with money have only given you grief. You'll now labor for love and will suffer the incumbent wages of sincerity. You will live with regret but you will gain a marginal improvement in your quality of life.

SAGITARIUS -

Credit default gender swaps may be trending on Twitter but you remain steadfast in your aversion to herds. Going against the tide might be your modus tollens but mutatis mutandis, sometimes you have to go along to get along. Fascism has given conformity a bad name. Relax, log in and join the crowd (source).