JANUARY 7TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

You are caught up in knots of conflicted affections. Détente between your friends and rapprochement within your kin are fairytale pipe dreams cooked up by daytime TV producers who have their own messy lives to contend with. Stay real. (translation: It's okay to be pissed-off)

AQUARIUS -

It's time to take a sabbatical from yourself. You change your socks ... why not change your personality? If you're formally friendly try belligerence and loathing. If you're resentful and bitter - and even though you are completely justified - try cheery and blithe. If you like women, try men. If you like men, try women. If you like men who are really women try men who were women but are now both or neither. LSMFT is the new LGBT!

PISCES -

Fantasies of flying compete in your imagination with the terrors of unpreparedness. While you suspect that your full potential has yet to be tapped, you fear success like a leopard fears a hyena. You twitch with foreboding at the most inopportune times. Light a match under your ass ... literally. Your small hairs will singe and will remind you again of our certain return to dust and ash.

ARIES -

You've paid most of your dues in your past-lives. Soon the ledgers of fate will start tipping in your favor. When they do your world will become a perfectly ribbed cantharus shell - which may not be an entirely favorable condition. Hope for something considerably less, like a shit-brown calico clam.

TAURUS -

Release the gloomy and the cynical and seize the sparkle of your élan vital. That animated essence has laid dormant so long that a spiritual moss has you covered, constipated and crying for help. Your future is an unscuffed scratch-off ticket. You'll be amazed what a little friction can do for you!

GEMINI -

What time fails to heal, warm milk and narcotics can surely do the trick ... at least temporarily. Spakle the cracks in your romantic life with magazines. dreams and heated unguents. Break-ups are hard but remember that all your married friends are miserable.

CANCER -

The invention of pain was a cautionary necessity. Pleasure was a much later development and some scholars argue that it never really caught on in the first place. North Korea, one of our most durable behavioral experiments, may represent the truest fruition of our natural aspirations. Now, doesn't that make you feel better about your bank account?

LEO -

Life is just a very long and lingering wait in the lobby. Your turn will eventually come but by that time you will have forgotten what you were waiting for. In the mean time, get yourself something from the vending machines.

VIRGO -

Whistle while you work, just make sure you look busy. Your dream job, the one you get after you've cleared all those prickly weeds and experience that fleeting clarity of complete disambiguation, may never, ever materialize. Renew your respect for beggars, petty thieves and schemers. Your most significant contribution to Western Civilization will probably be your extinction.

LIBRA -

Ever notice how athletes refer to themselves in the third-person. Try it some time. By disentangling yourself from your self you may grow weary of all the angst and you may even learn to tolerate your monotonous complaining. Everyone knows that off the field, jocks become these bumbling anti-social clods who, between bar-fights and product endorsements spend most of their time over-decorating their mini-mansions. Be eternally grateful you're a clod.

SCORPIO -

Today is the day that you stop telling yourself that today is the day for some dramatic, revelatory, transformational epiphany that will turn your life into a redolent meadow of endless possibility. Renewal should be restricted to your cable subscription. If you're running in place remember that thank god, you're still on your feet.

SAGITARIUS -

Avoid all those oily, second-rate friends who crave nothing short of your complete loyalty in exchange for the suspension of your justified suspicion. Do the math. That leaves you with approximately 1.5 people and that doesn't include your parents. Your misanthropy is just a personal expression of your meticulous altruism.