JANUARY 25TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

An unspeakable crime, imagined in a crepuscular state of inattentiveness, is something more than an archetype. Don't worry, you're not a sociopath but neither are you a saint. Your dark side has been evaded like a utility bill. Face it - Use it - And then get over it. You have deeper mysteries you have yet to confront.

AQUARIUS -

The full extent of your potential has been, till now, your personal Atlantis. Even more than that, it's been like God - something others believe in yet something that you, the skeptic (or the realist) can't seem to wrap your head around. And yet you believe in love and that's an even more implausible proposition.

PISCES -

You could probably begin to forgive yourself as soon as you recognize that to the world at large you're a furry little bunny with a cute, soft, ball at the back of your ass. That's right! There are no consequences to your alleged misdeeds. A social malaprop, a neglected gesture of filial obeisance, an unanswered email ...? C'mon ... really?

ARIES -

It's the donkey keeper in you that prevents you from thinking big. You're stuck in a bog of humility. Only the truly extraordinary have the right to stagnate. The rest of us carry the urgent imperative to prove our worth through constant achievement. You are not a donkey keeper. You're a valet parker.

TAURUS -

You treat your ideas like mental sushi - They're delicate epiphanies that vanish in the ephemera of fugitive inspiration. They claim freshness, though, at the same time they lack the durability that might merit a follow-through. Pretend, for once, that your ideas matter and see a few to the end. Most likely it will be a waste of time, but so is reading your horoscope on the Internet.

GEMINI -

Respectability is the miserly reward for good behavior. Where is that scrawny rabble-rouser that took the world in through the rakish lens of mischief? Why did you agree to grow up? Can bluetooth in your car - the pedestrian perk of the average midsize ego - really be worth what you gave up?  You think it's too late and it definitely will be ... when you're dead.

CANCER -

While winter rages and your mind drifts like dunes of fresh snow you begin to question your orthodoxies. Yes, with multitudes come inexorable momentum but rarely does consensus yield invention. Use your small reserve of courage and pull yourself from the pod - at least temporarily. You can always drink your way back to complacency later.

LEO -

Shame and guilt are the sock puppets you call your conscience. Now that we've committed ourselves to this unfortunate metaphor, someone or something is pulling your strings. Like a shadow cast by a paper silhouette, you are a facsimile of the self you had imagined for yourself long ago. The more you wait the harder it will be to access that kernel of your destiny that you consigned to the idealism of youth.

VIRGO -

Like an army in search of a casus belli and who inflates a frontier skirmish into an international incidents, you turn every minor setback into a justification for inertia. Sometimes - in fact, most times - small events have small causes. Larger trends should be read as symptoms and treated like insomnia.

LIBRA -

What keeps Virgos up at night should fill you with conceit. You alone among the signs have a clear lens on cause and effect. That's why you're a pleasure seeker, a sybarite, a shameless hedonist who knows the value of a good orgasm. Unfortunately you're also a moralist who is intimate with that intoxicating self-righteousness that comes with remorse. Ten years ago you would have been described as being 'conflicted.' Now you're just the subject of a meme.

SCORPIO -

Stay safe. Don't make any rash projections into the future. Wash your hands and try to avoid salad bars and doorknobs. Anything can happen at any moment that can turn your boring present into a nightmarish series of calamities. Snowboarding is for fools who don't mind being cold. Surfers, the same except for their dismissal of the dangers of melanoma. You were meant for bigger thrills but you have to make sure you survive ... have you had your vitamins today? 

SAGITARIUS -

If I were you - though thankfully, I'm not - but if I were you - not that I am telling what's in your best interest - BUT ... if I, by some unfortunate twist of fate were that hapless sad sack that is you - I for one, would stop letting people undermine my self-confidence!