JANUARY 4TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Your eyes are glazed with too many soft-focused memories of things that barely happened. Your best corrective lens would include more sweets and less screen-time. Hypnotherapy might work but why stir the broth too  much.

AQUARIUS -

You bore easily but that's because much of what you do is boring. Take a chance and get yourself a library card. You might meet someone by the DVD racks.

PISCES -

Stop hanging up on those poor telemarketers! You lack empathy which makes you toxic around toddlers. Go to your nearest park at 6AM and watch the octogenarians practice t'ai chi. That will restore your mild sense of awe.

ARIES -

Yeats warned us that the best lack conviction and you're a case in point. Why in the world would you be wasting your time reading your horoscope if you had even the remotest sense of agency in your life?

TAURUS -

Quoting poets is the imbecile's fast-pass to culture. Stop pretending you're a sensitive intellectual. There's a reason you changed your major from anthropology to accounting. Leave the brainy heavy-lifting to all those unpaid dreamers (who are typically Capricorns and Cancers)

GEMINI -

Life is a deli counter with too many choices. But like the cold cuts, most choices are pretty bland. The secret is always in the mustards. Pay closer attention to the incidentals. You may be surprised.

CANCER -

The wages of sincerity are way too steep. A calculated nonchalance is a more suitable trope for someone as alienated as you. Don't worry - it's not dishonest. Think of life as a syndicated adult animated series on Comedy Central. Try to avoid cancellation at all cost.

LEO -

Your sock drawer is a direct reflection of your shoe tree - or so claims Oprah. Life's impenetrable secrets are not worth your time. Concentrate on your retirement fund.

VIRGO -

Chance encounters with clerks and small children may yield unexpected insights. Pay attention to the rounded vowels and the hesitant pauses. So ... ya know .... like there's great wisdom among the inarticulate.

LIBRA -

Ancient languages have a term for it. The Assyrian word ashqatria means 'dissonance despite hope.' Think about that as you reflect on your most intimate relationships. You may learn to forgive.

SCORPIO -

You gallop through life as if it were the Preakness. Pretend you already won and see if you enjoy yourself more. Pretend the race was fixed by the mob and see if you can deal with the disillusionment.

SAGITARIUS -

Never underestimate the significance of omens. A little attention to coincidence may prove critical when it's time to make important decisions. If you're thinking about marriage I suggest you flip a coin.