JANUARY 5TH 2016

CAPRICORN -

A damp, balled-up paper towel has more buoyancy than the average chiropractor, so why do you trust them? Stop chanting and start ciphering your hopes into what was once called 'language.' Intelligence is far from contagious but stupidity is viral.

AQUARIUS -

Due to your advancing age and the fact that Jupiter is now longer as aligned with Mars as it was when you were in college, what once seemed terrible is now tolerable and even amusing. Isn't life more fun when you lower your standards?

PISCES -

With a cluster of delinquent moons inching their way toward your favored constellations the time is propitious for change. Gather your worldly possessions and start counting your shoes. The sum should be even. If not then maybe change can wait.

ARIES -

Fishing for compliments from your co-workers and friends has yielded an encyclopedia of fabulous lies. Taken together and flipped you can parse together what people really think about you. If you care then you're not a true-blooded Aries.

TAURUS -

Shame on you! You took yesterday's prognostication far too seriously! You can't take a joke. Do you want to buy a bridge? Try not to spend any money today. Stay home if you can. Have a good cry. Feel sorry for yourself. You need the sympathy.

GEMINI -

To life, to life, l'chaim. You have much to celebrate. You car started right away and the tempeh line at Whole Foods was practically empty. You've been so good you can afford to spoil yourself. Have some recreational drugs!

CANCER -

I know it's out of character (after all you are a Cancer) but go out to a lively bar and sit next to someone cute. Think of it as a sociological experiment. Strike up a light conversation. Try something like "hey ... so what's up with those crazy Saudis?" I bet you'll have some fun.

LEO -

Being suspicious has kept you safe and has detained your tediously predictable life for years. Now's the time for unreasonable risk. It's opposite day. Ride your bicycle against the traffic, talk back to the boss, order a pint of artisanal beer and a plate of chili cheese fries. Belch out loud. Don't say 'excuse me.'

VIRGO -

Love, love, love is in the air. Too bad you're wearing a dust mask. You're as glacial as a martini and as formal as a prom. Lighten up, will ya!! Do you even find yourself entertaining? Next time you shower, try undressing before you get to the bathroom. Practice. There, there ... you can do it.

LIBRA -

Overeating is one of the last great pleasures we all can agree upon. Here's a case where thinking inside the bento box works wonders. Snap out of the winter doldrums and have a big plate of nachos.

SCORPIO -

Crying won't help. Too bad we can't successfully tickle ourselves. Find someone with a feather. It doesn't really matter who. You need company and you're being way too picky.

SAGITARIUS -

You've deluded yourself into thinking that somehow you know what you're doing. You're a fake, just like everyone else. The difference with you is that you care. Nobody is recording your calls for customer service. Feel free to improvise. Lying is more fun but admittedly there's more to remember.