CAPRICORN -
With the passage of time it's become abundantly clear that the deal you struck with the devil has worked in your favor. You ransomed your values in exchange for the benefits of class mobility and professional attainment. Who could argue with that? If the guest list at your wake turns out to be slim, who cares ... right?
AQUARIUS -
Like a plumber drenched in wet paste and oily sludge your mind is saturated with putridity and filth. That's why people find you so attractive. You're telegraphing your lurid dreams and people want to get to know you. Finding the right partners is always a challenge but at least you have a broad choice.
PISCES -
The terrible is never as terrible as it seems when you describe it to your therapist. Start pretending that you are perpetually on the couch. Be vivid and explicit. Carry tissues. Through the constant re-telling you will find comfort. Try not to repeat yourself too much.
ARIES -
The time has never been better for converting to a competing religion. Since God is dead, she won't mind. See if you can choose the one that will get you the most legitimate days off from work. (Tip: don't pick Jehovah's Witness)
TAURUS -
Get into an Oscars pool and pick all the underdogs. Your friends will think you're bold and if you guess one right they'll think you're a savvy Hollywood insider. With that kind of parlor cred you may see more dinner party invitations and someone may even try to pitch you a screenplay. It's always empowering to issue a rejection.
GEMINI -
Your In-pile is a cluttered compendium of waste and superfluity. Chuck the whole damn thing and start afresh. Cancel your subscription to Power Fitness and Inc and stop writing checks to spurious foundations that claim to feed widowed dolphins and albinos. Get a paper shredder and turn your junkmail into paper maché. Make cheap looking sculpture. Everyone will call you creative!
CANCER -
The Puerto Rican gymnast Roberto Apollinaire was said to have survived on an exclusive diet of mangoes, radishes, whole milk and Goobers. It's hard to argue with a two-time Bronze Medal winner. If it's weight loss you're looking for - and I think you are - here's a diet with a solid track record of both intended and unintended results. (warning: Apollinaire developed a rare pulmonary infection that rendered him sterile and mute).
LEO -
Look up Shabbas on the Internet and it will sure look good! Imagine a day where you can't talk on the phone, spend money and turn on lights. You need a 'staycation' and the Old Testament day of rest is an hebdomadal ClubMed without the scuba diving.
VIRGO -
It's a beautiful day! Why are you so negative? Do you fear the government? Terrorists? Vaccines? Lactose? Immigrants? Augurous cloud formations? Microbes? Meteors? Sudden outbreaks of meningitis? California is a potpourri of alarmists, neurotics, paranoiacs and conspiracy addicts plus it has a 7% unemployment rate which based on the national average is quite reasonable. Maybe you should consider relocating.
LIBRA -
Like the ink that rubs off the morning paper and taints your toast with a chemical smell you may be suffering from surreptitious influences that are affecting your behavior in not so subtle ways. Be careful who you talk to, and this may include your spouse. Sloppy thinking can be contagious and your guard seems to be slipping.
SCORPIO -
You're a link on a lead chain fastened to a hulking polyurethane ball. You've been like that for weeks. Maybe even years. You must tear down the Solomonic pillars that have framed your life in their twisted image. You must free yourself from the bondage of inertia and tackle the shackles that tie you to the mast. You do that and I'll stop overwriting these hyperbolic horoscopes.
SAGITARIUS -
A chorus of eunuchs could never reach the sonic heights of fulfillment that await you if only you start making an effort. Your performance is sub-par. Your achievements are tainted by your willful failings. Your investment in your psychic well-being has supplanted your desire for success. Now make a decision. Happiness or bloated résumé!!
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