JANUARY 15TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

The life force comes from qi not chai! Get your taxonomies right! Gluttons are in favor of gluten, foodies are against it. A 'truther' is someone who lies and spends too much time on YouTube. 1% can either refer to those fat cats who milk the system or simply to a system that produces low-fat milk. Crawl out of your hole, clean your spectacles and start reading the menu.

AQUARIUS -

You struggle each and every solitary day to be a decent person. Your unacknowledged efforts are like silent prayers to an absent god. Your humanity has almost been repealed by the harsh circumstances of your work environment. There's nowhere to turn except inward and if that's impossible a quick trip to Vegas might just do the trick.

PISCES -

There's no expunging your many trespasses. You can't simply wash your sins away. You must carry them like suitcase. However, you can move to a place where nobody knows you. You can reinvent yourself. Sort of like a false-witness protection program. But alas, you'll probably carry your guilt all the way to your grave. ...

... just kidding ... this is America, home of The Second Act!!

ARIES -

If you find yourself going to pieces after watching a food supplement commercial on TV then you may want to consult an astrologer. Aries tend to be brutes when it comes to Cancers and Scorpios. Select your acquaintances in accordance with their signs. You mix well with anyone born in the morning. You also have a strong kinship with gamblers and military personnel.

TAURUS -

Some time in the fifth century B.C. Heraclitus observed that it was impossible to step into the same river twice. Unfortunately, this is not the case with dog shit. In fact, once you've made a steamy, stinky misstep, the likelihood of repeating your folly is fairly high if not 100% certain. You've been known for your recidivism and it's a pattern you need to break. It might help if you started considering your mistakes as triumphs. There may be some wisdom in this type of creative accounting. And you won't feel so bad while cleaning the bottom of your shoes.

GEMINI -

Your avid interest in the news of the day is causing you stress and costing you sleep. Unless you're about to join Médecins Sans Frontières I don't think your suffering will have much of an impact. Though your posts on Facebook are all so well intentioned don't kid yourself into thinking you're the new Voltaire.

CANCER -

Why are you so willing to trot on a treadmill but you can't bring yourself to give your dog a proper walk. Why are you willing to bench press over eighty pounds but you won't help your best friend move out of her apartment. Is it because the gym has forty-seven high-resolution television screens? Things will change once you get the Google Optic Implants (GOItm). Through the miracle of technology you'll always have ready access to Dr. Oz, Jerry Springer and reruns of Bonanza.

LEO -

Oh .... siblings .... What do they say? You can pick the horses at Belmont and you can pick the calluses off the soles of your feet but choice and family are oxymoronic. Make peace. Even if your brother is a pot-bellied Republican he's still your brother and as we all know, blood can make you faint but water can ultimately drown you.

VIRGO -

Like a sculptor who fashions reductively from solid forms you chip away at life, distilling things to their essences and discarding the rest. You're like a monk in need of next to nothing and it suits your temperament to maintain a guarded simplicity free of ornament and dross. But treat yourself to a fat steak or a good bottle of Scotch now and then because though you're happy you're also a bit boring.

LIBRA -

A fear of winged insects and excessive carbs have turned you into a world class neurotic. Though you manage to remain composed your repressed anxieties have thinned your hair and ruined your complexion. Your ambivalence to children has drawn you closer to pets. Adopt a dragonfly or a couple of male glider ants. Have a few beers. Stop being so serious.

SCORPIO -

A childhood trauma, one you scarcely remember, exerts a mysterious form of leverage on your freedom of thought. Dream therapy, induced trances, vigorous exercise and fasting are just a few ways to access your subconscious and figure out what the heck is going on. Get the the bottom of this before it eats you up and shrivels your id into a parched pastiche of cacophonies impulses.

SAGITARIUS -

Few things in life are as comforting and as beautiful as a reliable daily bowel. It's seen by those inhibited by priggish restraint as an activity unworthy of lyrical tribute - much less mention - but they ignore this lovely pleasure at their peril. Embrace the bowel and it will return the attention with the faithfulness of a St Bernard. Withhold your gratitude and it will reward you in kind.