JANUARY 9TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

It's much more advantageous to suffer a sudden setback than to wade in the same tepid stew of complacent acquiescence day after day after day after day. A collapse is imminent so be forewarned. Just be sure to greet this adversity as one would welcome a distant relative who appears at your doorstep with a tattered duffel fully intending to overstay their welcome.

AQUARIUS -

Life is like running on hot cobblestones wearing tire sandals. If you linger too long in one spot you risk melting into a standstill. Keep a move on! If you were born in the morning you're creative yet stubborn. Get a good friend - preferably a Leo or an Aries - to prod you into action.

PISCES -

Like a fish jerking and gasping with its gills lanced on a hook you feel trapped on a filament of inevitability. You can regain agency in your life but you need to show some teeth. While the choir around you is singing a hymn you're stuck in the dirt humming a dirge. Enough already! Clean your apartment, get a massage, have a strong cup of free trade coffee and rewrite your obituary.

ARIES -

Though your birthday is still a few months away, for some inexplicable reason people are being nice to you. Are they plotting something? Are there polished bayonets poised at the small of your back? How well do you know your friends? Start questioning everyone's loyalty. One can never be too suspicious.

TAURUS -

Regarding you love life - pick one. That's right. Either have and enjoy a life full of autonomy, fulfillment, joy and peace of mind or get tangled up in the frisson of uncertain attraction. This perfect soulmate of yours will break your tender heart. That's of course if they don't strangle you first.

GEMINI -

The reviews are in and the verdict is mixed. Comme ci come ça is how you come off to the world so start getting used to that kind of lukewarm ambivalence. If you really, really want to change people's perceptions (you may want to think about this for a while) then you'll have to get aggressive. You won't be universally liked and in some you may inspire a repugnant form of fear. But you will never be a social Switzerland again. 

CANCER -

The cosmic dance into which we're reluctantly thrown is a dizzying dervish world of senseless vicissitudes. If you're the type that prefers the pliant comforts of predictability (as most Cancers and some Virgos are) then you may have to patiently wait for your mortal curtain to drop. Seeing that there are rarely any curtain calls you may want to try a little excitement ... at least once.

LEO -

Winter, with its open hostility toward the dynamics of urban life, is a Leo's most agonizing nightmare. Bare with it this year and try not to get too disconsolate. Your gloomy moods are perfect for morose introspection and punishing self-pity. Crawl out of your trough and start working on your memoir! As Beckett reminds us, "nothing is funnier than unhappiness."

VIRGO -

Strange silhouettes will start appearing in your dreams. Don't waste your time trying to decode them. Typically this is an early symptom of minor cataracts. You're basically getting old. Remember that age suits your temperament. You no longer need to feign intelligence. People will assume that beneath that snowy dome of yours lies a rare wisdom securely packed like an heirloom in a strongbox.

LIBRA -

You're convinced that everyone is taking advantage of that soft belly of mawkish empathy that has always been your downfall in the past. Nice guys, you keep reminding yourself, melt under the sweltering lamp of their beneficence. Well, if that's how you feel then it's time to toughen up. It takes malice to succeed and in a competitive world someone always has to lose.

SCORPIO -

You've all heard the tired analogies that liken our lives to either sports or war. We're told we need to take command and to swing for the fences. We now need 'coaches' as if our natural existence could never exceed the condition of rank amateur if we fail to avail ourselves of the professional intuition of an 'expert.' Somehow we're convinced that this dependency is 'empowering.' Scorpios - you job today is to holler from the highest perch: THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!!!!

SAGITARIUS -

The full measure of Sagitarian sagacity is the ability to respond with an emphatic 'NO.' People will ask of you all manner of inconvenient favors, mistaking you for a soft Taurus or an agreeable Gemini. Think again! Sagitarii are solid and will not be budged or buggered by guilt. You don't care if you're liked and with that kind of selfish inflexibility you needn't worry.