JANUARY 8TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Being meticulous has earned the begrudging admiration of your envious peers. It's time to make a reasoned choice. Cultivate your friendships by dumbing yourself down or maintain the honest and principled posture of condescension and reproof.

AQUARIUS -

Your mild yet unmistakable regionalisms have hampered your ability to melt into obscurity. No matter what you do (or don't do) people will notice you (or your absence). Deal with it effectively by asking for favors and borrowing money.

PISCES -

You are a sheikh, a shaman, a born leader with a natural talent for persuasion. To use these skills to your advantage ignore your outdated scruples. Colonialism has given exploitation a bad name.

ARIES -

With the rare January alignment of the four moons of Gandara you are well positioned for a calculated risk. Be it love or lucre now's the time to roll the loaded dice.

TAURUS -

Chance encounters will bear unexpected fruit. Be mindful of who you bump into. New doors will open and new possibilities will present themselves but you must be vigilant and alert. Wash basins at public restrooms, elevators and bar stools are your most likely sources.

GEMINI -

Innocuous innuendos is much more than a clever alliteration. Walk between the hail stones and read between the grace notes. Sometimes it's what remains unsaid that uncorks the wisdom you've been craving all these years.

CANCER -

A new jesuitical approach toward life might prove more effective in pursuit of your goals. Hard work and perseverance have their benefits but it never hurts to try a little cunning. There's a reason why the Calvinists had a preference for grey.

LEO -

The news is bleak but why should you care. It's all rosy in the land of Leo. I'd rather be a well-fed superficial narcissist than a deep thinking deadbeat with acne and gingivitis.

VIRGO -

Avoid, by any means necessary, salty foods and rubber shoes. Sashes are fine but only if they're dark. Lactose is intolerable for now but you can gorge yourself on wheat and even stevia. You can walk on cracks but not on tacks. Invest in futures ... whatever the hell that means ...

LIBRA -

When I texted my astrology guru this morning the spell check default switched Libra to Liberia. Instead of helping me with insight on your prospects for the day she hooked me up with an AirB&B in a swanky section of Monrovia. I took it all as a sign. Embrace the serendipitous inscriptions of inadvertent typos.

SCORPIO -

Moses had his hands full leading that obstreperous flock through the desert. But the arid air did those folks some good, evidenced by all those Nobel Prizes they seem to win. Moral of the story for scorpios - time to move to Arizona!

SAGITARIUS -

Jeremiads and screeds may seem unseemly but the squeaky axle always gets the grease. Make some noise. Ask to speak to the manager. Demand an upgrade. Have them waive the service charge. Talk your way out of that parking ticket. Renegotiate your raise and refinance your car loan. You have rare leverage today. You may never have an advantage ever again for the rest of your life.