FEBRUARY 1ST, 2016

CAPRICORN -

A button is loose on your favorite coat. Eventually it will weaken to the point where its cleavage will become inevitable. Let it go and when it's gone (and you might not notice or remember when that moment of rupture occurs), don't bother to mend it.

AQUARIUS -

Your antipathy to nature is mutual. You needn't fear the lightning nor the thunder, the darkness or the floods. The Gods are ambivalent to you. Yours is the world of urban vagabondage - which may or may not be preferable to just plain old fashioned, garden variety, black leather, blindfolds and chains bondage.

PISCES -

Folded in a napkin, stuffed in a pocket of an old coat are some notes you wrote to yourself in haste while sitting in a café or a roadside diner. By now it's hard to make out exactly what's written - the ink having become runny and faded with time. Something occurred to you, something that seemed so profound at the time but as you decipher this personal code you begin to suspect that the napkin is a cocktail napkin and that it wasn't in a café or a restaurant where you jotted down your thoughts but rather in a bar. It soon becomes clear that what you wrote was nonsense and most probably composed while you were tired and drunk. There's a moral to this story.

ARIES -

For you, the tranquility of sleep is unattainable until you succeed in banishing your dreams. And yet you know that without dreams we would most likely go insane. So here's your choice: Disquiet or Madness.

TAURUS -

Though you've always been weak in math you insist on counting other people's money. And not only are you counting their coin but you're spending it with what you're sure is greater wisdom. Why, you think, does such a greedy imbecile have so much while I, who could change the world if only I had a chance, have so little? This is a form of envy that causes welts, tumors, dandruff, constipation, insomnia and Lyme's disease. Maybe you're better off poor.

GEMINI -

We're told that the most beautiful sound to a human's ear is the sound of their own name. This, of course, reflects a stingy and vulgar narcissism but since everyone we know is like this we pretend that it's normal. I have news for you, it's not normal. It's entitlement and privilege. Even your meditation and your breathing exercises are void of metaphysics. You do it only to alleviate personal stress. Well, what about global stress? Should planet earth just inhale slowly and gradually let go ....?

CANCER -

Like a limping ninja your period of incessant combat is almost at its end. And just like the crippled feudal fighter you've spent your best days in disguise. It's time to start being yourself which will unfortunately take a massive effort in reconstructive memory. It's been so long since you've acted without guile, forfeiting the fakery will take a leap of faith. You may not even succeed but it's definitely worth a try.

LEO -

The wheel of life has got a flat, or so it seems to you right now, and all the encouraging advice from your friends fall flat in the face of the empirical evidence. Well take it from Yayota, things are only slightly better than they seem. Your pessimism is not without its justifications but your flair for dramatic self-pity is a bit grandiose. Everyone's bed of roses is short-sheeted. At least you have a bed!

VIRGO -

It's a shame that you feel shame because your time would be better spent if you just felt guilty. It's bad enough that your predilection for self-disembowelment leaves you stapled to a phantom cross, but you compound the problem by worrying what people think about you. Sure you do stupid things but why waste time feeling ashamed? Everyone does stupid things! It's just that you've decided that it's in your best interest to have scruples! Has that really worked out for you?

LIBRA -

Genuflecting to false idols like Peitho, Mammon and Narcissus have waxed your way toward success. There has been little or no collateral damage. Your friends and family are equally compromised and are complicit in a shared, audacious pantomime of decency. The axis upon which people like you rotate is a greasy one and we all know that without grease the sparks of discord will inevitably fly. Content yourself with knowing that the imperfect world is in no hurry for a tune-up.

SCORPIO -

According to the latest Gallup poll, if an orangutan ran against Donald Trump, it would do at least 2 percentage points better than Rick Santorum. The time has never been better than now to enter public service, especially as a Republican. You may not be a born leader but at least you're teachable and can probably still find Zimbabwe on a map. I assume you're over 18 ...

SAGITARIUS -

There are many reasons why it isn't in your interest to intimately open yourself up to another human being. The most conspicuous among them is that by doing so you may, by contagion, expose the object of your attention to the twinned afflictions of emotional miserliness and greed. You, by contrast, hope that by linking yourself to a person of open heart, something of their generosity may rub off on you. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way.  As the famous American composer of doggerels and limericks Clement Digby once sang, "cesspools never grow fragrant with the momentary passing of favorable winds."