JANUARY 10TH 2016

CAPRICORN -

You've been acting like an adolescent in revolt. If you feel that everyone is against you let me remind you that your high school diploma is a moldy, termite ridden relic and that in fact, nobody even notices you. You'll be treated like an adult as soon as you learn how to ignore ... well .... everyone.

AQUARIUS -

Selfishness has made the world safe for creativity. It's quite alright to work on spec. There's no shame in collecting unemployment or driving for Uber two nights a week. (Or both!) You think you want to make art? Well who's stopping you!!??

PISCES -

Integrity is as rare as the bearded lady. You're being played by everyone from your yoga teacher to your ex. You want to act like a mensch? - Be my guest! Just know that you'll be as lonely as a buffalo nickel and certain to be resented by those you hold dear.

ARIES -

Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Unless, of course you're an Aries (especially if you were born on the cusp). Tonight is decidedly not the time to party. In fact, if you were considering the careful care and curation of your dwindling attention span tonight may be the night to start tackling Proust.

TAURUS -

I told you so is a phrase we irrationally reserve for our loved ones. Let's try an experiment. Let's be polite and superficial to our family and candid and honest with everyone else. The hearth is the last place to make a confession. I'd rather get along with my spouse than spend most of my waking hours crawling up the small intestine of my boss.

GEMINI -

Like a cockroach in search of a damp corner of a refrigerator you'd be better served by calculation and cunning. Why do insects behave so rationally while we constantly defeat our self-interest with stupid and infantile choices? I blame love which is precisely what you claim to crave. Tread with care and be careful what you wish for.

CANCER -

If you find yourself in a dark tavern sitting next to a Gemini staring at a warm and bitter IPA, it's time to make a move. Now, now, now ... I didn't say in which direction. There's a fork right about now and if you've read the entry above you'll know that you need to be careful. Eternal misery may be better than loneliness. Then again, it may not be. Then again, it probably is.

LEO -

Do we have good news for you!! Mortals may be fools but Leos are less foolish than most.  As the great bard went on to explain: "More than cool reason ever comprehends." Your gut is your best guide and if you can read the leaves you'll rarely make a mistake.

VIRGO -

Happy days are here again! The funk into which you have sunk you may now pack permanently into a trunk. Your former gloom you can entomb, your erstwhile sadness can be replaced with gladness. This may be trite, this may be stale but bitter feeling you should impale. Thank you Dr. Seuss.

LIBRA -

Looking at a Flemish tapestry from behind is only a pale reflection of its luster and so it is with you. When you barricade your beauty behind social norms and customs you only project a fraction of your charm. Try to shave the pelt of predictability and show the world who you really are. The results may alarm you.

SCORPIO -

We in the astrological community of seers and street prophets have high hopes for you Scorpios. You've always been treated as a kind of celestial step-child but we think your time is now. Fuck those arrogant Aries', you guys have all the loaded dice now. Please don't make me a liar.

SAGITARIUS -

Your element is fire. Your planet is Jupiter. Your symbol is the archer and my brother-in-law is an attorney. Where would you turn if you had to beat a traffic ticket?