JANUARY 11TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

You're like a rabbit with a vasectomy - you defy your destiny at every turn. You were meant to produce, to promote, to create and to expound upon all that you have generated with your capacious imagination. But instead you're merely obedient to the whims of circumstance and lounge like Oblomov in a cot of malcontent. It's time to wave those cute bunny ears of yours and be fruitful and multiply.

AQUARIUS -

Good hygiene and flawless manners have made you a leader among the nitwits you work with. Now try challenging yourself. See if your charm can grease the gears of real, significant achievement. Sartre was a slob as was the great Cuban artist Micah Carpentier. Skip the flossing and the matching socks. Greatness awaits!

PISCES -

That voice inside your head? You know ... the one that relentlessly repeats like a Philip Glass film score: "Imposter, imposter, imposter, imposter." Take it easy on yourself - everyone, from our beloved president to your nephew's art teacher is faking it as well. Dissimulation, through habitual over-use, has a way of righting itself. You're doing just fine. It's called the clique of the counterfeit and we're all charter members. (full disclosure: I'm not really clairvoyant)

ARIES -

First of all, you're not going to win this week's Powerball so your money woes will need a better plan. What's wrong with drinking instant coffee and canceling your cable? Your grandparents were economic vegans who mended their own socks. If you don't want to take in sewing I'm sure you can figure out how to be an SAT tutor.

TAURUS -

No need to give up your vices. The reason why we have them is because they give us so much joy. Never trust anyone with thin lips, wide ties and who drinks cocktails with more than three ingredients.

GEMINI -

Now that you've made a hash of you New Year's resolution it's time to admit that you're an undisciplined sybarite who, like most Gemini, have trouble staying within your budget and are remiss in calling their aging parents. You're typically late and have a tendency toward loquaciousness. You can't expect to change all this by January 2nd (or June 2nd ... 2020, for that matter). As the great thought leader Dahlia Danton always says: "A wise person never makes unreasonable (or any other kind of) commitments."

CANCER -

I smell the rich broth of simmering potential with my Cancers today. The Archiditmidian Constellation is uniquely aligned (approximately 1AM GMT) which is typically fortuitous for raunchy sex and baking complicated desserts. The former, unfortunately, is not always available. Stay tuned for next week's prognostications and you may be in for a stimulating surprise!

LEO -

You have a trenchant penchant for ridiculous puns and silly rhymes. You think skeptically and metrically and fecklessly and recklessly. If you choose prose instead of verse, things wouldn't be any better but they couldn't get worse. Thank you Calvin Trillin.

VIRGO -

Your enviable fortitude is matched only by your unfortunate ability to put on weight. It seems like all you have to do is look at food and your ankles swell like a spadefoot toad. This has led you in the past to follow all manner of fetish diets not to mention those untold hours of misery and angst. Accept this cruel metabolic verdict with solemn resignation. If you have to, start dressing in front of the medicine cabinet mirror.

LIBRA -

You've been asked to perform favors for near strangers only to feel exploited and resentful when the proper gratitude fails to materialize. You can eliminate kindness from your armory of attributes or you can hide behind the pious fiction of your noble and selfless generosity. Whatever you choose, you're being a chump. There's a reason you have a Spam folder with your email.

SCORPIO -

Like a junkie in a pawnshop you're running out of things to redeem. Recognize that the absence of worth signals the beginning of value. From paychecks to rainchecks your spine needs a tune-up. Try doing stuff simply because you enjoy it. If you need a return on every investment then you may as well give up on love.

SAGITARIUS -

Homer famously described conversation as the "sweet... banquet of the mind." You, however, avoid controversy as if it were a form of listeriosis. Stay away from crybabies who take umbrage in everything. Tippy-toe talking is the dry-hump of discourse and it's beneath your intellectual pay grade.