JANUARY 12TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Your downfall is that you demand complete loyalty from your friends and family. As anyone who has studied conflict management will tell you, this is a non-starter. Besides, your decency is perceived by others as a weakness. To inhabit the real world you must start sharpening your fangs.

AQUARIUS -

OMG! Your intellectual life draws far too heavily from a cistern of collective, middle-brow ideas. This has become such a bad habit that you have replaced your emotions with neural emojis. You had no idea this was happening because lately you've been distilling even your most complex feelings into uppercase abbreviations. That all your friends do it as well is a flimsy excuse. LOL!

PISCES -

As certain as there's vodka in the Eurasian Steppe there will be a major change in your romantic life within the next 36 hours. Do everything within your power to welcome this change. Buy new shoes if you have to and clean your filthy car. Aphrodite is soon to cast her mischievous spell and you'll need to be composed. Oh ... and you'll need some cash too ...

ARIES -

If I were a betting astrologer I would say that dollars to donuts you are a bit unsatisfied with your lot. (You wouldn't be reading this if all were Jake in your little insignificant world). OK ... here's a bit of free advice, (you can also upgrade to Yayota Premium for just $6.95 a month): Stay away from other folks who are equally unsatisfied with their lot. There's lot's of other lots out there! That's why they call them lots.

TAURUS -

There's a faint fetid cloud of sulfur and sage that surrounds you as you waltz through your day. This demonic aroma is discernible to the few who know you best. To everyone else you're as cherubic as a chubby hamster. How long do you think you can keep up this pretense? Sooner or later your pantomime of virtue will collapse like a house of ribbons. It would be best to address your character flaws before it gets too costly.

GEMINI -

The pendulum that moves your moods from dark to darker is an oscillating ballast that stalls you into a saturnine cesspool of self-pity. You can do something about this. You could start watching sitcoms or spend some time at the zoo. Unless you're one of those who, through art, can turn melancholy into merriment, you'd better dig yourself out of this melodramatic trench.

CANCER -

Like a clergyman struggling with a flock of apostates you find yourself thwarted by your instinctive dissent. You can't seem to fully identify with any of your endeavors. It all seems so futile to you. The fact that you happen to be right (see Ecclesiastics) should in no way prevent you from pretending that #yourlifematters.

LEO -

From Pierrot to Bozo, a thousand clowns have preceded you. Why are clowns so terrifying? You tell us? Your shenanigans have earned you many friends and have made you a favorite partner for pictionary and charades. Like the kidnapper who drapes his victims in a burlap sack you use your humor to conceal a hurt. Today be serious - it may make you benignly ambivalent!!

VIRGO -

Your boss has gerrymandered your time. You no longer have a life of your own. You're always fulfilling on some sort of vague promise. Nobody ever says thank you. You are unappreciated and under-valued. But the truth is ... you love it. It makes you feel wanted.

LIBRA -

To drown in tears is like waterboarding yourself in the shower. It will make you confess to most of your foibles but confessions made under duress are rarely reliable. Admitting your errors will never quiet the echo of your shortcomings. Instead, it's best to do the best with what you have and as Lorenzo de Medici wrote "... chi vuol esser lieto sia." (see Google Translate - it will sound like baby talk).

SCORPIO -

You're a gangster of Love! Yeah baby! You've got the scent and you've got the touch and your heart is as cold as a penguin's slipper. To your credit you've learned to avoid both tenderness and treachery and embraced the senses like Caligula at a bar mitzvah. Good for you. You could give some useful advice to the Libra upstairs.

SAGITARIUS -

A sense of honor is generally useless when you're buried in a box. You treat life like it was a rehearsal but the band and the jugglers and the trainers of exotic cats have been carrying on for years. Don't count on there being an intermission. In America we don't take piss-breaks!!