JANUARY 3RD, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Stay away fro slot machines and metal detectors. Most other technology is fine as long as your intentions are honorable. Heavy equipment should be fine, even if you're impaired. Your life, hitherto, is charmed.

AQUARIUS -

If you develop a rash within the next few days, stop reading these horoscopes. Like everything, it's not for everybody. Playing dumb suits you well. Never punch above your weight.

PISCES -

It takes two to have a good argument. Play dirty when you can. Children will get in your way. Sever your ties to tradition. Move west. If you already live on a west coast move east, wait a few years and move back.

ARIES -

Cover your head with a sack cloth. Rend your garments, go on a juice fast, go to the desert and drink teas laced with hallucinogens. Come back, buy a few lottery tickets and a gallon of expired milk. If that doesn't change your luck at least you'll lose some weight.

TAURUS -

Carry yourself with greater circumspection. Folks are beginning to take you for clergy. Dyslexia could be a problem. I once heard a meteorologist mistake vaginal for regional.

GEMINI -

If you drive faster you'll get there sooner and the sooner you get there the quicker you'll get it over with. Then you'll die but at least you'll have some time left over.

CANCER -

Update your profiles on social media. Let the world know that the 'new you,'  though similar to the 'old you,' has taken some incremental step toward the attainment of a vague goal that you needn't bother explain.

LEO -

Your lust-life is looking a bit tawdry. Clean it up lest your colleagues get covetous and tamper with your timecard. Remember, it's you against the world. 2016 is the year (once again) of unabashed schadenfreude.

VIRGO -

Bowling alone is not so bad.  Bowling alone when you're broke is. Let someone else - someone with a degree in gender studies or performance art - change the world. Go out there and be rapacious!!

LIBRA -

Are you still patting yourself on your back for getting through the holidays without weeping uncontrollably for no apparent reason? Stop being so emotionally smug. Just wait till it's pouring rain, it's a weekend and you've lost your wifi connection

SCORPIO -

Scorpio's have all the luck. Good luck, great luck, undeserved great luck and catastrophic crappy luck worthy of a Job. Start a spin class so you can finally twist those shins into a lotus position and chant your way toward equanimity,

SAGITARIUS -

Your courage, that queasy approximate sensation when you start considering doing something really, really stupid, is finally back! Enjoy and be careful of the inevitable consequences.