JANUARY 6TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Reflect upon your past. Think about what you consider to be your happiest moments. Now be with those thoughts for a while. Ahhh ... Now Snap Out Of It!  Your infantile trances will only lull you into dimwitted optimism. You're at your best when you acknowledge your warts and live by your wits.

AQUARIUS -

Be promiscuous with your praise. People will believe anything you tell them. Persuasion is always more effective than mere competence and professionalism is about as powerful as an overworked gum. You're good at gloss and better at bullshit.

PISCES -

Tell the world about your talents. Don't worry, it won't take too long. If you still have their interest after you get to the part where you lost your virginity then you clearly have the gift for radiant hyperbole. Milk it. Make stuff up. These skills may come in handy if you ever need to change jobs.

ARIES -

Your mouth carries a faint aroma of iodine and camphor. In the Middle Ages this would have meant that you were either an inbred member of the nobility or were suffering from gout. Nowadays it only indicates an allergic reaction to gluten. If you can afford it, think about adjusting your diet.

TAURUS -

You have a messy history of unsatisfied desire. Maybe you aim too high. 'Settling' has such a bad reputation but when you think about it, accommodation is just the step-child of heroism. HBO has inflated your hopes. Leave the 'hero' and the 'quest' for the elevator pitch. You, my friend, are slightly above average!

GEMINI -

Maybe we're just a fragile link on the cosmic food chain. Or maybe we are the center of the universe. Maybe Yaweh chose us to repair the world. Or maybe he just chose us to live in it. Don't feel guilty. Start taking tennis lessons and go and buy yourself a small boat.

CANCER -

Obey the harbingers as if they were street cleaning signs. The auguries are all aligned, the tea leaves are unusually explicit. One moment of reflection and your opportunities will vanish like vapor. He who hesitates is a cretin and we both know that you're not a cretin.

LEO -

The edifice of your supposed singularity is in need of desperate retrofitting. The fashion world has caught up with you. Now everyone is self-congratulatory and ironic. Try a new approach, like vanity. If that doesn't suit you try silence and humility. People who are silent are most often feared.

VIRGO -

Your life is a lyric, your death is a dirge. Or so claim the Romantics. Keats is coming back and with him comes the return of beauty! Hurrah!! Just hope that doesn't mean that tuberculosis is lingering just around the corner.

LIBRA -

People have always complimented you on your athleticism. You're toned and trim so people also assume that you're stupid. Prove them wrong! Take a coding class and rub their muzzles in the brine of your success when your new app becomes indispensable to their dating hopes.

SCORPIO -

Religion has given prayer a bad name. Would it confuse Jesus if we prayed to annihilate faith? Scorpios lead the way!! You're resilient and would probably survive a big bad bolt from the clouds. Don't confuse the Son of God with Son of Sam.

SAGITARIUS -

Game theory, string theory, the theory of relativity, the theory of everything. It's all theory and since it's all theory nothing really matters. And if nothing really matters than all is permitted. And if all is permitted then there's no guilt. And if there's no guilt then there's no satire and if there's no satire then why are you reading this?