JANUARY 12TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Your downfall is that you demand complete loyalty from your friends and family. As anyone who has studied conflict management will tell you, this is a non-starter. Besides, your decency is perceived by others as a weakness. To inhabit the real world you must start sharpening your fangs.

AQUARIUS -

OMG! Your intellectual life draws far too heavily from a cistern of collective, middle-brow ideas. This has become such a bad habit that you have replaced your emotions with neural emojis. You had no idea this was happening because lately you've been distilling even your most complex feelings into uppercase abbreviations. That all your friends do it as well is a flimsy excuse. LOL!

PISCES -

As certain as there's vodka in the Eurasian Steppe there will be a major change in your romantic life within the next 36 hours. Do everything within your power to welcome this change. Buy new shoes if you have to and clean your filthy car. Aphrodite is soon to cast her mischievous spell and you'll need to be composed. Oh ... and you'll need some cash too ...

ARIES -

If I were a betting astrologer I would say that dollars to donuts you are a bit unsatisfied with your lot. (You wouldn't be reading this if all were Jake in your little insignificant world). OK ... here's a bit of free advice, (you can also upgrade to Yayota Premium for just $6.95 a month): Stay away from other folks who are equally unsatisfied with their lot. There's lot's of other lots out there! That's why they call them lots.

TAURUS -

There's a faint fetid cloud of sulfur and sage that surrounds you as you waltz through your day. This demonic aroma is discernible to the few who know you best. To everyone else you're as cherubic as a chubby hamster. How long do you think you can keep up this pretense? Sooner or later your pantomime of virtue will collapse like a house of ribbons. It would be best to address your character flaws before it gets too costly.

GEMINI -

The pendulum that moves your moods from dark to darker is an oscillating ballast that stalls you into a saturnine cesspool of self-pity. You can do something about this. You could start watching sitcoms or spend some time at the zoo. Unless you're one of those who, through art, can turn melancholy into merriment, you'd better dig yourself out of this melodramatic trench.

CANCER -

Like a clergyman struggling with a flock of apostates you find yourself thwarted by your instinctive dissent. You can't seem to fully identify with any of your endeavors. It all seems so futile to you. The fact that you happen to be right (see Ecclesiastics) should in no way prevent you from pretending that #yourlifematters.

LEO -

From Pierrot to Bozo, a thousand clowns have preceded you. Why are clowns so terrifying? You tell us? Your shenanigans have earned you many friends and have made you a favorite partner for pictionary and charades. Like the kidnapper who drapes his victims in a burlap sack you use your humor to conceal a hurt. Today be serious - it may make you benignly ambivalent!!

VIRGO -

Your boss has gerrymandered your time. You no longer have a life of your own. You're always fulfilling on some sort of vague promise. Nobody ever says thank you. You are unappreciated and under-valued. But the truth is ... you love it. It makes you feel wanted.

LIBRA -

To drown in tears is like waterboarding yourself in the shower. It will make you confess to most of your foibles but confessions made under duress are rarely reliable. Admitting your errors will never quiet the echo of your shortcomings. Instead, it's best to do the best with what you have and as Lorenzo de Medici wrote "... chi vuol esser lieto sia." (see Google Translate - it will sound like baby talk).

SCORPIO -

You're a gangster of Love! Yeah baby! You've got the scent and you've got the touch and your heart is as cold as a penguin's slipper. To your credit you've learned to avoid both tenderness and treachery and embraced the senses like Caligula at a bar mitzvah. Good for you. You could give some useful advice to the Libra upstairs.

SAGITARIUS -

A sense of honor is generally useless when you're buried in a box. You treat life like it was a rehearsal but the band and the jugglers and the trainers of exotic cats have been carrying on for years. Don't count on there being an intermission. In America we don't take piss-breaks!!

JANUARY 11TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

You're like a rabbit with a vasectomy - you defy your destiny at every turn. You were meant to produce, to promote, to create and to expound upon all that you have generated with your capacious imagination. But instead you're merely obedient to the whims of circumstance and lounge like Oblomov in a cot of malcontent. It's time to wave those cute bunny ears of yours and be fruitful and multiply.

AQUARIUS -

Good hygiene and flawless manners have made you a leader among the nitwits you work with. Now try challenging yourself. See if your charm can grease the gears of real, significant achievement. Sartre was a slob as was the great Cuban artist Micah Carpentier. Skip the flossing and the matching socks. Greatness awaits!

PISCES -

That voice inside your head? You know ... the one that relentlessly repeats like a Philip Glass film score: "Imposter, imposter, imposter, imposter." Take it easy on yourself - everyone, from our beloved president to your nephew's art teacher is faking it as well. Dissimulation, through habitual over-use, has a way of righting itself. You're doing just fine. It's called the clique of the counterfeit and we're all charter members. (full disclosure: I'm not really clairvoyant)

ARIES -

First of all, you're not going to win this week's Powerball so your money woes will need a better plan. What's wrong with drinking instant coffee and canceling your cable? Your grandparents were economic vegans who mended their own socks. If you don't want to take in sewing I'm sure you can figure out how to be an SAT tutor.

TAURUS -

No need to give up your vices. The reason why we have them is because they give us so much joy. Never trust anyone with thin lips, wide ties and who drinks cocktails with more than three ingredients.

GEMINI -

Now that you've made a hash of you New Year's resolution it's time to admit that you're an undisciplined sybarite who, like most Gemini, have trouble staying within your budget and are remiss in calling their aging parents. You're typically late and have a tendency toward loquaciousness. You can't expect to change all this by January 2nd (or June 2nd ... 2020, for that matter). As the great thought leader Dahlia Danton always says: "A wise person never makes unreasonable (or any other kind of) commitments."

CANCER -

I smell the rich broth of simmering potential with my Cancers today. The Archiditmidian Constellation is uniquely aligned (approximately 1AM GMT) which is typically fortuitous for raunchy sex and baking complicated desserts. The former, unfortunately, is not always available. Stay tuned for next week's prognostications and you may be in for a stimulating surprise!

LEO -

You have a trenchant penchant for ridiculous puns and silly rhymes. You think skeptically and metrically and fecklessly and recklessly. If you choose prose instead of verse, things wouldn't be any better but they couldn't get worse. Thank you Calvin Trillin.

VIRGO -

Your enviable fortitude is matched only by your unfortunate ability to put on weight. It seems like all you have to do is look at food and your ankles swell like a spadefoot toad. This has led you in the past to follow all manner of fetish diets not to mention those untold hours of misery and angst. Accept this cruel metabolic verdict with solemn resignation. If you have to, start dressing in front of the medicine cabinet mirror.

LIBRA -

You've been asked to perform favors for near strangers only to feel exploited and resentful when the proper gratitude fails to materialize. You can eliminate kindness from your armory of attributes or you can hide behind the pious fiction of your noble and selfless generosity. Whatever you choose, you're being a chump. There's a reason you have a Spam folder with your email.

SCORPIO -

Like a junkie in a pawnshop you're running out of things to redeem. Recognize that the absence of worth signals the beginning of value. From paychecks to rainchecks your spine needs a tune-up. Try doing stuff simply because you enjoy it. If you need a return on every investment then you may as well give up on love.

SAGITARIUS -

Homer famously described conversation as the "sweet... banquet of the mind." You, however, avoid controversy as if it were a form of listeriosis. Stay away from crybabies who take umbrage in everything. Tippy-toe talking is the dry-hump of discourse and it's beneath your intellectual pay grade.

JANUARY 10TH 2016

CAPRICORN -

You've been acting like an adolescent in revolt. If you feel that everyone is against you let me remind you that your high school diploma is a moldy, termite ridden relic and that in fact, nobody even notices you. You'll be treated like an adult as soon as you learn how to ignore ... well .... everyone.

AQUARIUS -

Selfishness has made the world safe for creativity. It's quite alright to work on spec. There's no shame in collecting unemployment or driving for Uber two nights a week. (Or both!) You think you want to make art? Well who's stopping you!!??

PISCES -

Integrity is as rare as the bearded lady. You're being played by everyone from your yoga teacher to your ex. You want to act like a mensch? - Be my guest! Just know that you'll be as lonely as a buffalo nickel and certain to be resented by those you hold dear.

ARIES -

Everybody Wang Chung tonight! Unless, of course you're an Aries (especially if you were born on the cusp). Tonight is decidedly not the time to party. In fact, if you were considering the careful care and curation of your dwindling attention span tonight may be the night to start tackling Proust.

TAURUS -

I told you so is a phrase we irrationally reserve for our loved ones. Let's try an experiment. Let's be polite and superficial to our family and candid and honest with everyone else. The hearth is the last place to make a confession. I'd rather get along with my spouse than spend most of my waking hours crawling up the small intestine of my boss.

GEMINI -

Like a cockroach in search of a damp corner of a refrigerator you'd be better served by calculation and cunning. Why do insects behave so rationally while we constantly defeat our self-interest with stupid and infantile choices? I blame love which is precisely what you claim to crave. Tread with care and be careful what you wish for.

CANCER -

If you find yourself in a dark tavern sitting next to a Gemini staring at a warm and bitter IPA, it's time to make a move. Now, now, now ... I didn't say in which direction. There's a fork right about now and if you've read the entry above you'll know that you need to be careful. Eternal misery may be better than loneliness. Then again, it may not be. Then again, it probably is.

LEO -

Do we have good news for you!! Mortals may be fools but Leos are less foolish than most.  As the great bard went on to explain: "More than cool reason ever comprehends." Your gut is your best guide and if you can read the leaves you'll rarely make a mistake.

VIRGO -

Happy days are here again! The funk into which you have sunk you may now pack permanently into a trunk. Your former gloom you can entomb, your erstwhile sadness can be replaced with gladness. This may be trite, this may be stale but bitter feeling you should impale. Thank you Dr. Seuss.

LIBRA -

Looking at a Flemish tapestry from behind is only a pale reflection of its luster and so it is with you. When you barricade your beauty behind social norms and customs you only project a fraction of your charm. Try to shave the pelt of predictability and show the world who you really are. The results may alarm you.

SCORPIO -

We in the astrological community of seers and street prophets have high hopes for you Scorpios. You've always been treated as a kind of celestial step-child but we think your time is now. Fuck those arrogant Aries', you guys have all the loaded dice now. Please don't make me a liar.

SAGITARIUS -

Your element is fire. Your planet is Jupiter. Your symbol is the archer and my brother-in-law is an attorney. Where would you turn if you had to beat a traffic ticket?

JANUARY 9TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

It's much more advantageous to suffer a sudden setback than to wade in the same tepid stew of complacent acquiescence day after day after day after day. A collapse is imminent so be forewarned. Just be sure to greet this adversity as one would welcome a distant relative who appears at your doorstep with a tattered duffel fully intending to overstay their welcome.

AQUARIUS -

Life is like running on hot cobblestones wearing tire sandals. If you linger too long in one spot you risk melting into a standstill. Keep a move on! If you were born in the morning you're creative yet stubborn. Get a good friend - preferably a Leo or an Aries - to prod you into action.

PISCES -

Like a fish jerking and gasping with its gills lanced on a hook you feel trapped on a filament of inevitability. You can regain agency in your life but you need to show some teeth. While the choir around you is singing a hymn you're stuck in the dirt humming a dirge. Enough already! Clean your apartment, get a massage, have a strong cup of free trade coffee and rewrite your obituary.

ARIES -

Though your birthday is still a few months away, for some inexplicable reason people are being nice to you. Are they plotting something? Are there polished bayonets poised at the small of your back? How well do you know your friends? Start questioning everyone's loyalty. One can never be too suspicious.

TAURUS -

Regarding you love life - pick one. That's right. Either have and enjoy a life full of autonomy, fulfillment, joy and peace of mind or get tangled up in the frisson of uncertain attraction. This perfect soulmate of yours will break your tender heart. That's of course if they don't strangle you first.

GEMINI -

The reviews are in and the verdict is mixed. Comme ci come ça is how you come off to the world so start getting used to that kind of lukewarm ambivalence. If you really, really want to change people's perceptions (you may want to think about this for a while) then you'll have to get aggressive. You won't be universally liked and in some you may inspire a repugnant form of fear. But you will never be a social Switzerland again. 

CANCER -

The cosmic dance into which we're reluctantly thrown is a dizzying dervish world of senseless vicissitudes. If you're the type that prefers the pliant comforts of predictability (as most Cancers and some Virgos are) then you may have to patiently wait for your mortal curtain to drop. Seeing that there are rarely any curtain calls you may want to try a little excitement ... at least once.

LEO -

Winter, with its open hostility toward the dynamics of urban life, is a Leo's most agonizing nightmare. Bare with it this year and try not to get too disconsolate. Your gloomy moods are perfect for morose introspection and punishing self-pity. Crawl out of your trough and start working on your memoir! As Beckett reminds us, "nothing is funnier than unhappiness."

VIRGO -

Strange silhouettes will start appearing in your dreams. Don't waste your time trying to decode them. Typically this is an early symptom of minor cataracts. You're basically getting old. Remember that age suits your temperament. You no longer need to feign intelligence. People will assume that beneath that snowy dome of yours lies a rare wisdom securely packed like an heirloom in a strongbox.

LIBRA -

You're convinced that everyone is taking advantage of that soft belly of mawkish empathy that has always been your downfall in the past. Nice guys, you keep reminding yourself, melt under the sweltering lamp of their beneficence. Well, if that's how you feel then it's time to toughen up. It takes malice to succeed and in a competitive world someone always has to lose.

SCORPIO -

You've all heard the tired analogies that liken our lives to either sports or war. We're told we need to take command and to swing for the fences. We now need 'coaches' as if our natural existence could never exceed the condition of rank amateur if we fail to avail ourselves of the professional intuition of an 'expert.' Somehow we're convinced that this dependency is 'empowering.' Scorpios - you job today is to holler from the highest perch: THIS IS SUCH BULLSHIT!!!!!!

SAGITARIUS -

The full measure of Sagitarian sagacity is the ability to respond with an emphatic 'NO.' People will ask of you all manner of inconvenient favors, mistaking you for a soft Taurus or an agreeable Gemini. Think again! Sagitarii are solid and will not be budged or buggered by guilt. You don't care if you're liked and with that kind of selfish inflexibility you needn't worry.

JANUARY 8TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Being meticulous has earned the begrudging admiration of your envious peers. It's time to make a reasoned choice. Cultivate your friendships by dumbing yourself down or maintain the honest and principled posture of condescension and reproof.

AQUARIUS -

Your mild yet unmistakable regionalisms have hampered your ability to melt into obscurity. No matter what you do (or don't do) people will notice you (or your absence). Deal with it effectively by asking for favors and borrowing money.

PISCES -

You are a sheikh, a shaman, a born leader with a natural talent for persuasion. To use these skills to your advantage ignore your outdated scruples. Colonialism has given exploitation a bad name.

ARIES -

With the rare January alignment of the four moons of Gandara you are well positioned for a calculated risk. Be it love or lucre now's the time to roll the loaded dice.

TAURUS -

Chance encounters will bear unexpected fruit. Be mindful of who you bump into. New doors will open and new possibilities will present themselves but you must be vigilant and alert. Wash basins at public restrooms, elevators and bar stools are your most likely sources.

GEMINI -

Innocuous innuendos is much more than a clever alliteration. Walk between the hail stones and read between the grace notes. Sometimes it's what remains unsaid that uncorks the wisdom you've been craving all these years.

CANCER -

A new jesuitical approach toward life might prove more effective in pursuit of your goals. Hard work and perseverance have their benefits but it never hurts to try a little cunning. There's a reason why the Calvinists had a preference for grey.

LEO -

The news is bleak but why should you care. It's all rosy in the land of Leo. I'd rather be a well-fed superficial narcissist than a deep thinking deadbeat with acne and gingivitis.

VIRGO -

Avoid, by any means necessary, salty foods and rubber shoes. Sashes are fine but only if they're dark. Lactose is intolerable for now but you can gorge yourself on wheat and even stevia. You can walk on cracks but not on tacks. Invest in futures ... whatever the hell that means ...

LIBRA -

When I texted my astrology guru this morning the spell check default switched Libra to Liberia. Instead of helping me with insight on your prospects for the day she hooked me up with an AirB&B in a swanky section of Monrovia. I took it all as a sign. Embrace the serendipitous inscriptions of inadvertent typos.

SCORPIO -

Moses had his hands full leading that obstreperous flock through the desert. But the arid air did those folks some good, evidenced by all those Nobel Prizes they seem to win. Moral of the story for scorpios - time to move to Arizona!

SAGITARIUS -

Jeremiads and screeds may seem unseemly but the squeaky axle always gets the grease. Make some noise. Ask to speak to the manager. Demand an upgrade. Have them waive the service charge. Talk your way out of that parking ticket. Renegotiate your raise and refinance your car loan. You have rare leverage today. You may never have an advantage ever again for the rest of your life.

JANUARY 7TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

You are caught up in knots of conflicted affections. Détente between your friends and rapprochement within your kin are fairytale pipe dreams cooked up by daytime TV producers who have their own messy lives to contend with. Stay real. (translation: It's okay to be pissed-off)

AQUARIUS -

It's time to take a sabbatical from yourself. You change your socks ... why not change your personality? If you're formally friendly try belligerence and loathing. If you're resentful and bitter - and even though you are completely justified - try cheery and blithe. If you like women, try men. If you like men, try women. If you like men who are really women try men who were women but are now both or neither. LSMFT is the new LGBT!

PISCES -

Fantasies of flying compete in your imagination with the terrors of unpreparedness. While you suspect that your full potential has yet to be tapped, you fear success like a leopard fears a hyena. You twitch with foreboding at the most inopportune times. Light a match under your ass ... literally. Your small hairs will singe and will remind you again of our certain return to dust and ash.

ARIES -

You've paid most of your dues in your past-lives. Soon the ledgers of fate will start tipping in your favor. When they do your world will become a perfectly ribbed cantharus shell - which may not be an entirely favorable condition. Hope for something considerably less, like a shit-brown calico clam.

TAURUS -

Release the gloomy and the cynical and seize the sparkle of your élan vital. That animated essence has laid dormant so long that a spiritual moss has you covered, constipated and crying for help. Your future is an unscuffed scratch-off ticket. You'll be amazed what a little friction can do for you!

GEMINI -

What time fails to heal, warm milk and narcotics can surely do the trick ... at least temporarily. Spakle the cracks in your romantic life with magazines. dreams and heated unguents. Break-ups are hard but remember that all your married friends are miserable.

CANCER -

The invention of pain was a cautionary necessity. Pleasure was a much later development and some scholars argue that it never really caught on in the first place. North Korea, one of our most durable behavioral experiments, may represent the truest fruition of our natural aspirations. Now, doesn't that make you feel better about your bank account?

LEO -

Life is just a very long and lingering wait in the lobby. Your turn will eventually come but by that time you will have forgotten what you were waiting for. In the mean time, get yourself something from the vending machines.

VIRGO -

Whistle while you work, just make sure you look busy. Your dream job, the one you get after you've cleared all those prickly weeds and experience that fleeting clarity of complete disambiguation, may never, ever materialize. Renew your respect for beggars, petty thieves and schemers. Your most significant contribution to Western Civilization will probably be your extinction.

LIBRA -

Ever notice how athletes refer to themselves in the third-person. Try it some time. By disentangling yourself from your self you may grow weary of all the angst and you may even learn to tolerate your monotonous complaining. Everyone knows that off the field, jocks become these bumbling anti-social clods who, between bar-fights and product endorsements spend most of their time over-decorating their mini-mansions. Be eternally grateful you're a clod.

SCORPIO -

Today is the day that you stop telling yourself that today is the day for some dramatic, revelatory, transformational epiphany that will turn your life into a redolent meadow of endless possibility. Renewal should be restricted to your cable subscription. If you're running in place remember that thank god, you're still on your feet.

SAGITARIUS -

Avoid all those oily, second-rate friends who crave nothing short of your complete loyalty in exchange for the suspension of your justified suspicion. Do the math. That leaves you with approximately 1.5 people and that doesn't include your parents. Your misanthropy is just a personal expression of your meticulous altruism.

JANUARY 6TH, 2016

CAPRICORN -

Reflect upon your past. Think about what you consider to be your happiest moments. Now be with those thoughts for a while. Ahhh ... Now Snap Out Of It!  Your infantile trances will only lull you into dimwitted optimism. You're at your best when you acknowledge your warts and live by your wits.

AQUARIUS -

Be promiscuous with your praise. People will believe anything you tell them. Persuasion is always more effective than mere competence and professionalism is about as powerful as an overworked gum. You're good at gloss and better at bullshit.

PISCES -

Tell the world about your talents. Don't worry, it won't take too long. If you still have their interest after you get to the part where you lost your virginity then you clearly have the gift for radiant hyperbole. Milk it. Make stuff up. These skills may come in handy if you ever need to change jobs.

ARIES -

Your mouth carries a faint aroma of iodine and camphor. In the Middle Ages this would have meant that you were either an inbred member of the nobility or were suffering from gout. Nowadays it only indicates an allergic reaction to gluten. If you can afford it, think about adjusting your diet.

TAURUS -

You have a messy history of unsatisfied desire. Maybe you aim too high. 'Settling' has such a bad reputation but when you think about it, accommodation is just the step-child of heroism. HBO has inflated your hopes. Leave the 'hero' and the 'quest' for the elevator pitch. You, my friend, are slightly above average!

GEMINI -

Maybe we're just a fragile link on the cosmic food chain. Or maybe we are the center of the universe. Maybe Yaweh chose us to repair the world. Or maybe he just chose us to live in it. Don't feel guilty. Start taking tennis lessons and go and buy yourself a small boat.

CANCER -

Obey the harbingers as if they were street cleaning signs. The auguries are all aligned, the tea leaves are unusually explicit. One moment of reflection and your opportunities will vanish like vapor. He who hesitates is a cretin and we both know that you're not a cretin.

LEO -

The edifice of your supposed singularity is in need of desperate retrofitting. The fashion world has caught up with you. Now everyone is self-congratulatory and ironic. Try a new approach, like vanity. If that doesn't suit you try silence and humility. People who are silent are most often feared.

VIRGO -

Your life is a lyric, your death is a dirge. Or so claim the Romantics. Keats is coming back and with him comes the return of beauty! Hurrah!! Just hope that doesn't mean that tuberculosis is lingering just around the corner.

LIBRA -

People have always complimented you on your athleticism. You're toned and trim so people also assume that you're stupid. Prove them wrong! Take a coding class and rub their muzzles in the brine of your success when your new app becomes indispensable to their dating hopes.

SCORPIO -

Religion has given prayer a bad name. Would it confuse Jesus if we prayed to annihilate faith? Scorpios lead the way!! You're resilient and would probably survive a big bad bolt from the clouds. Don't confuse the Son of God with Son of Sam.

SAGITARIUS -

Game theory, string theory, the theory of relativity, the theory of everything. It's all theory and since it's all theory nothing really matters. And if nothing really matters than all is permitted. And if all is permitted then there's no guilt. And if there's no guilt then there's no satire and if there's no satire then why are you reading this?